Why Did My Friends Pull Away? Relationships After Child Loss
When your child went to heaven, you changed. Not every friendship knew how to change with you.
Relationships after child loss can change in ways you never saw coming.
You scroll back through your phone, past all the messages that came in that first week. And you start to notice the names that stopped showing up.
The one who said, “Anything you need, I’m here.”
The one you would have called first.
And the thought you keep coming back to is, “I thought she’d be here for me.”
When your child went to heaven, your world shifted. Your home changed. Your days changed.
And somewhere along the way, you may have noticed that your relationships changed too.
Some people came closer. Some people drifted. And some people you were sure would stay are simply not there anymore.
That can be one of the most confusing parts of grief, because it’s a second ache on top of the first.
So let’s sit with that together, gently and honestly and with hope.
Who Stayed and Who Walked Away
When Andrew went to heaven, I was so surprised by who was there for us inside of that pain, and who walked away.
I discovered that people who I thought I knew, I didn’t really know at all.
People who were there for superficial relationships that only supported their needs, those are the ones who walked away.
The ones who burrowed in with me, who gave me the space to be who I was inside of my pain, who didn’t expect me to be the same person, were the ones who are still near and dear to my heart today.
It was a painful experience because you expect people who have been in your life to continue to be there when the unthinkable happens.
But that’s not always the way it turns out.
What I learned was how to evaluate what was safe for me.
I learned, honestly, that it was the beginning steps of me understanding what it meant to be my own advocate, to differentiate between expectations and boundaries, and to understand what served me well in circumstances that I could have never seen coming.
A Painful Threshing
I discovered who loved me the way God loves us, and who loved through the eyes of judgment.
It was indeed a painful threshing.
It reminds me of Gideon when the angel of the Lord appeared to him when he was threshing wheat. He was doing it underground because of the fear of the enemy.
Now, I’m not suggesting that people in our lives are enemies, but I am suggesting that there are people in our lives that it’s okay to say goodbye to.
That was a hard lesson for me to learn, but a valuable one.
It helped me see life through a different lens, as my entire grief journey has shaped and formed me.
There’s something about pain that reaches into the core of a relationship.
Some people are able to walk with you in it, and with others, you begin to see things about that relationship you couldn’t see before.
I’m thankful for that threshing, for that refinement, for I now recognize who my true friends are, and I value them with my life.
What Happened to My Friendships?
When your child went to heaven, you changed.
Not every friendship knew how to change with you.
You’re carrying something now that most people around you have never carried.
Small talk feels heavy. Someone’s complaint about a long line at the store may land differently than it used to.
Your energy is different. Your capacity is different.
And the friendships that were built around the person you were before are now trying to meet the person you are today.
Some of them have.
Some of them have not.
Why Do Some People Pull Away?
So many moms ask me this question. And the truth is, there isn’t just one answer.
For some, it’s fear. They worry they’ll say the wrong thing, so they say nothing at all.
For some, it’s discomfort. Your pain sits too close to their own fears.
For some, it’s a lack of understanding. They honestly wonder why you aren’t “better” yet.
For some, it’s their own limitations. They simply don’t have it in them.
And sometimes, yes, it’s an unwillingness to enter something painful.
That’s real, and it hurts, because this is what we are called to do as believers.
“Share each other’s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ.”
Galatians 6:2 (NLT)
God calls us to help carry one another’s burdens. And grief is a burden that can become unbearably heavy when we try to carry every part of it alone.
But sharing a burden means someone has to come alongside you, close enough to help carry it.
And not everyone is able to come that close.
Why Have I Pulled Away From Some People?
When someone couldn’t come close, it hurts deeply.
But it does not mean God left you without anyone. He still sends people to help share the weight.
And sometimes, like I discovered, they’re not the people we expect.
There’s another question underneath all of this, and it’s one worth sitting with.
Why have I pulled away from some people?
Some of the distance you feel isn’t only theirs.
Maybe you canceled plans because you couldn’t face a crowded restaurant.
There may be messages sitting on your phone right now that you have not been able to answer.
Even lunches and group chats may take more than you have to give right now.
That’s grief changing what you can carry.
And you’re learning what is safe for you, the same way I had to learn it.
How Do I Know Who Is Safe Now?
There’s a picture in Scripture that I love.
Israel was in a battle, and Moses stood on a hill holding up his arms. As long as his hands were raised, Israel was winning.
But listen to what happened.
“Moses’ arms soon became so tired he could no longer hold them up. So Aaron and Hur found a stone for him to sit on. Then they stood on each side of Moses, holding up his hands. So his hands held steady until sunset.”
Exodus 17:12 (NLT)
Even Moses got tired.
Look at what Aaron and Hur did first. They found a stone, as if to say, “Moses, sit down. Let us help you carry the weight of this.”
Before they did anything else, they gave him a place to rest.
Then they stood on each side of him. There were no expectations, no rushing him or making him feel uncomfortable.
And they stayed all the way until sunset.
And what Moses couldn’t do on his own, they helped him do. Something as simple as holding his arms up through the fatigue and weariness of the battle he was in.
That’s what safe looks like friend.
A safe person gives you somewhere to rest.
They stand beside you and let you say your child’s name.
A safe person can hold your tears and your laughter in the same afternoon.
They keep showing up, all the way until sunset.
And a safe person doesn’t require you to become who you used to be in order for them to be comfortable with who you are now.
What Do I Do With the Relationships That Changed?
Some relationships may deepen.
Some may become very different.
And some may quietly drift away.
As I learned, there are people in our lives that it is okay to say goodbye to.
Here are a few ways to walk through this.
Notice the people who have brought you a stone to sit on, and let yourself lean on them.
Let a friendship that changed be different, without deciding today what it has to become.
When someone has pulled away, bring that ache before your Heavenly Father before you decide what it means.
Small steps, one at a time.
The God Who Has Never Left You
May God send you people who will find you a stone to sit on.
May He place them on each side of you when your arms are tired.
And may you remember that He has never walked away from you. Not once.
Some people are still standing right beside you.
And underneath every person who stays is the God who has never left you.
This week, think of one person who has held up your arms since your child went to heaven.
And let them know what that has meant to you.
🎧 Listen to the Full Episode
If these words have met you where you are today — there is more waiting for you in this week’s episode.
🎙 Episode 323: Why Did My Friends Pull Away? Relationships After Child Loss
When your child went to heaven, your relationships changed too. In this episode, I share who stayed and who walked away when Andrew went to heaven, why some people pull away, why you may have pulled away too and how to recognize the people who are safe for you now.
Next Steps
✨ Why Am I Still Stuck?
Sometimes what keeps a mom stuck is waiting for life and the people in it to go back to the way it was before.
Why Am I Still Stuck? is my free 30-minute teaching. It will help you understand why you feel stuck and what you can do to take your next step while you’re still carrying the love of your child with you.
👉 Get the free teaching: Why Am I Still Stuck?
With care and prayer,
Teresa Davis
