When the Holidays Hurt
Finding peace when grief and expectation collide.
Have you noticed how quickly your peace disappears the moment you start thinking about the holidays?
One minute you’re fine and the next, your chest feels tight, your thoughts start to race, your head goes down, and you just want to hide.
That’s not weakness, friend. It’s your heart trying to tell you something.
Grief has a voice. And this time of year, it speaks loudly. Today, we’re going to learn how to listen to it instead of letting it run your life.If you’re new here, I’m Teresa Davis, host of The Grief Mentor Podcast, where we sit together and chat about life after child loss. I pray that you hear something today, friend, that blesses your heart — that makes you feel seen and heard and gives you hope for your next step in this journey.
The Pressure That Builds Before the Season Even Begins
One of the hardest parts of the holidays after Andrew went to Heaven was facing that first season without him. There’s one moment that is forever etched in my memory.
I remember standing in the doorway looking at the Christmas tree. The lights were already twinkling. The ornaments were hanging exactly where they always had. And inside, I was screaming. My heart knew everything had changed and nothing about this season made sense anymore.
He died on November 30th. Christmas came whether we were ready or not. I couldn’t even call it our “first Christmas without Andrew.” It was too soon. Too raw. Too close. I was barely functioning.
By the next year, the fog had lifted just enough for the dread to roll in. I had gone back to work as a nurse. Concentrating all day long on caring for others was more than I could manage, yet I pushed through because that’s what grief makes us do sometimes.
And then the questions started.
Do I put up a Christmas tree?
If I do, what will it look like now?
Do we put lights on the house?
How do I walk into a store and buy gifts when my heart is falling apart?
Each decision felt like a mountain I did not have the strength to climb.
When Peace Starts to Slip Away
That year, I didn’t have anyone walking ahead of me giving me the tips I’m giving you now. Oh, how I wish I did. But in God’s timing, He provided what I needed — when I was ready to recognize it.
The pressure of decision-making, on top of grief, clouds our hearts and minds.
We either shut down completely and decide we can’t do the holidays at all — or we freeze and just try to get through it.
That’s a trauma response.
It builds subtly, and we don’t even realize it’s happening. It starts with triggers — a song, a scent, a tradition — and then suddenly we can’t sleep, we snap at the people we love, and we feel the pressure tightening in our chest.
Friend, that’s your body saying, this hurts.
It’s the buildup of expectations — yours and everyone else’s — pressing against the reality of your loss.
“Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.”
— Matthew 11:28 (NLT)
You don’t have to wait until you’re completely undone to experience this rest.
Peace begins when you notice the pressure early.
Think of a teapot. You can see the temperature rise before it whistles. It doesn’t make a sound until it reaches a certain point.
That’s how your heart works too.
When you feel that pressure building, that tightening in your chest, whisper:
“Lord, this is too much. I can’t handle this on my own. Please meet me here.”
That’s where peace begins — not when everything is fixed, but when you notice the signs early and invite Him into it.
Adjusting Expectations to Match Your Capacity
Grief changes your capacity.
Emotionally.
Mentally.
Physically.
You are not the same mama you were before your child went to Heaven. Expecting yourself to show up the way you used to will only lead to new heartbreak.
This is the season to scale back.
To simplify.
To name what matters most.
You are allowed to decline invitations.
You are allowed to change traditions.
You are allowed to honor what your heart can handle.
God honors honesty over performance.
He would rather have your tears and your truth than your perfection.
You can still experience beauty through simplicity.
In fact, simplicity helps usher in peace.
Giving Yourself Permission to Slow Down
Grief taught me that rest isn’t lazy.
Rest is survival.
Above my desk hangs a vision board. I couldn’t have created something like that in the early years, but now those scriptures and hopeful words anchor my days.
“Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love.”
1 Corinthians 13:13 NLT
“You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you.”
Isaiah 26:3 NLT
God’s peace isn’t found in holding everything together.
It comes when we loosen our grip.
When we allow Him to carry what was never ours to carry alone.
Peace Isn’t Something You Chase — It’s Something You Receive
I stopped trying to silence my grief and started listening to it.
That’s when peace began to show up.
When your breath quickens…
When your chest tightens…
When tears come without warning…
Whisper:
“Lord, I release this to You. Please meet me here.”
Peace doesn’t mean the ache is gone.
Peace means you aren’t alone in it.
The world may rush.
You can rest.
🎧 Listen to the Full Episode
🎧 Listen to Episode 225: When the Holidays Hurt — How to Find Peace After Child Loss
Next Steps
As we head into the holiday season, I’m offering a special holiday rate for the 1:1 Grief Mentor Sessions — a quiet space where you and I can process what you’re carrying and create a simple, faith-centered plan for the season.
After our time together, you’ll receive a new printable guide I created just for you:
“Peace for the Holidays: A Simple Plan for Grieving Moms.”
If that sounds like something that could help you, click HERE to book your session today.(offer good until November 22nd)
Friend, you don’t have to rush.
You don’t have to perform.
You don’t have to carry this alone.
Peace is not the absence of pain.
Peace is the presence of Jesus.
He is near to the brokenhearted.
He will carry you through.
