Is This My Life Now? Year Three in Child Loss
YOU WAKE UP ONE DAY AND REALIZE THIS IS ACTUALLY YOUR LIFE NOW
Not the life you chose. But the one you’re learning to live.
Year three of child loss brings something no one prepares you for.
It isn’t the shock of the first year. It isn’t the deepening ache of the second.
It’s quieter than that. And in some ways, heavier.
It’s the year the permanence settles into your heart — and you begin to understand that this really is your life now.
If that’s where you are today, I want you to stay with me for a few minutes.
Because year three holds something you might not expect.
Year Three Is Bittersweet
By the time you reach year three, you’ve found some new rhythms. You get up. You keep going. From the outside, you look like you’re doing okay.
But underneath, something shifts.
Year three is the year we begin to hold two things at once — the love for our children in one hand, and our grief in the other.
That’s the bittersweet of it.
The sweet is the love that will never die. The bond that grew from the moment you knew your child was coming into this world, all the way to the moment they left this earth — that love remains. It’s still growing. And it will be there waiting for you when you’re reunited on that wonderful day.
“Three things will last forever — faith, hope, and love — and the greatest of these is love.”
— 1 Corinthians 13:13 (NLT)
And in the other hand, we hold the bitter.
Because this is the year you begin to realize your grief isn’t leaving.
When You Realize Grief Isn’t Leaving
Before you read that and think it sounds discouraging — stay with me. This isn’t about losing hope. It’s about understanding what’s happening in your heart.
In the first year, your mind and body were simply trying to survive. In the second year, the shock began to wear off and the reality settled in a little deeper.
But year three brings the realization that this is your life now — and this is the year you begin to learn how to keep living when your child is no longer walking beside you.
If that’s where you are, you haven’t gone backward.
The questions of year three don’t show up because your grief is getting worse. They show up because you’ve come far enough in your journey to begin asking them.
And the same God who carried you through those first unimaginable days is not going anywhere now.
You don’t have to figure out the rest of your life today. God has never asked you to carry thirty years. He’s simply asked you to trust Him with today.
The Secondary Losses That Surface in Year Three
In the first two years, it can feel like the whole world is spinning. In year three, that begins to slow — and you notice that life has kept moving.
Your child’s classmates are graduating. Leaving for college. Getting married.
The future you expected now feels heavy in a new way.
Grief doesn’t only look backward. Sometimes it looks forward — at everything your child should have been experiencing right now. Those are the secondary losses.
You may not have had the capacity to process them before. So they surface now, in year three, in a way that’s more evident than before.
But here’s what’s special about this year.
You’ve been building a foundation these last two years. And that foundation gives you the ability to do something you couldn’t do before.
It gives you the ability to acknowledge the loss — while still holding on to what you have.
You’re not going backward when a secondary loss catches you. You’re simply loving your child through another part of your journey. Because love keeps noticing where someone belongs.
When Fear Changes Its Shape
There’s a fear that shows up in year three — but it’s not the same fear you carried in the beginning.
Year one and year two were full of unknowns. Everything you couldn’t see. Everything you couldn’t answer.
But by year three, you’ve learned to manage those fears. You’ve learned to discern truth from lies.
The fear that once said I will not survive has begun to unfold into something else — I am surviving, and I will continue to survive.
That doesn’t mean fear never whispers anymore. It still does. It sounds like, Can I really do this for the rest of my life?
Those questions don’t mean your faith is weak. They simply mean you’re human.
And every time you start trying to carry the next ten or twenty years, God gently brings you back to today. Because today’s grace is enough for today’s journey. Tomorrow’s grace will be there tomorrow.
The Woman You’re Becoming
Somewhere in year three, joy is embraced in a different way.
You carry the sadness of not walking this life out with your child beside you — and that never fully goes away. But you also begin to see glimmers of hope and joy that are still possible here on this earth. And it starts to feel less like a betrayal.
Because in year three, you begin to see the hand of God in your story in ways you couldn’t see before. You begin to see that He is for you, and not against you.
“But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.”
— Isaiah 40:31 (NLT)
You begin to watch that verse come to life — not because you found new strength on your own, but because you finally stopped trying to, and let Him carry you.
You understand suffering in a way you couldn’t before. You have compassion for hurting people, because now you’ve been one. Your perspective changes. Relationships matter more. Faith matters more.
You begin to see who God has been shaping you to become. And I believe year three is the year of hope — maybe the first time your feet find solid ground.
🎧 Listen to the Full Episode
If these words have met you where you are today — come join me in the podcast and lets go a little deeper.
🎙 Episode 305: Is This My Life Now? The Real Truth About Year Three in Child Loss
In this episode, we walk through the five things that are normal in the third year after child loss — and where God is at work in the middle of every one of them. It’s an honest look at what year three really holds, and why it can become the first place your feet begin to find solid ground.
Next Steps/Mentoring
✨ Calming the Chaos
If you’re wondering how to find that solid ground, Calming the Chaos is the next step I’d encourage you to take. It’s a biblical, self-paced program that will help you navigate your grief with God’s truth as your foundation. Right now, it’s available for 50% off.
With care and prayer,
Teresa Davis
