What is a Habit, and Why Does It Matter in Grief?

Webster defines a habit as a regular tendency or practice—any repeated behavior. This is significant because our daily actions and thoughts, repeated over and over, create pathways in our brain that become automatic.

This includes how we process grief.

If you’ve developed habits that are not helping you navigate life after loss, it’s time to bring awareness to them. Proverbs 23:7 tells us, “As a man thinks in his heart, so is he.” Your thought patterns shape your experience, and identifying what’s draining you is the first step toward healing.

Let’s talk about three habits that lead to exhaustion while grieving—and what to do instead.

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Habit #1: Living Tomorrow Today

After losing a child, your mind can get stuck between the past—when they were physically here—and the daunting future without them. The overwhelming thought of a lifetime without your child can consume you.

Our culture tells us to push harder, be strong, and never give up. But grief requires a different rhythm.

What’s the solution?

Lamentations 3:22-23 reminds us: “Because of the Lord’s great love, we are not consumed… His mercies are new every morning.”

Are you feeling consumed? Living for tomorrow will drain every bit of energy you have. Instead, focus on today. Just as God provided fresh manna each day for the Israelites, He gives new mercies daily.

Stop borrowing tomorrow’s grief for today.

When your thoughts drift to the future, immediately turn to God and say, “That’s your problem, Lord, not mine.” Make it a habit to call out the thoughts that rob you of peace and focus on what is within your control today.

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Habit #2: Focusing on What Your Child is Missing

The day Andrew left my side, I remember sitting in my living room, surrounded by people, yet lost in my own world. I was listing all the things in my head he would never get to experience ie: walk his daughter down the aisle, teach his son how to throw a baseball, or teach him how to love and respect his future wife. 

Do you do this too?

Regardless of your child’s age, it’s natural to mourn the future you envisioned for them. But here’s a hard truth: **Your grief is not their grief. **

Your child is not missing out. They are in the presence of Jesus, and there is nothing on this earth they would trade for that.

What’s the solution?

Acknowledge this truth. Write it down: “I am not grieving what my child lost; I am grieving what I lost.”

Recognizing this will release you from the weight of grieving in their place. There is no shame in mourning your loss, but understanding the difference can free you from unnecessary sorrow.

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Habit #3: Believing Your Child’s Death is a Test or Punishment from God

After my son died, someone said to me, “Maybe God is testing you.”

That statement sent me into a deep search for truth and to be honest made be irritable. 

I am not a theologian, but I am a grieving mom who has wrestled with God’s Word. And here’s what I believe: God does not test or punish us by taking our children.

People often reference Job’s story, saying, “But God took Job’s children.”

Let’s clarify: God allowed it, but it was Satan who caused Job’s suffering. Death is a curse that entered the world through sin (Genesis). Satan’s goal was to destroy Job’s faith, just as he seeks to destroy ours. And I find it very interesting the first place Satan went to destroy Job, was to his children’s house. And he killed every one of Job’s children in that moment. 

What’s the solution?

Instead of seeing your child’s death as a punishment, recognize it as a time of refinement. Romans 8:28-29 tells us that God works all things for our good and shapes us to be more like Jesus. God, in his sovereignty allows things that we will never be able to grasp this side of heaven, but what he does promise, is to walk in the suffering with us. And in that journey, if you decide to let him lead you, you will have a But God… in your story. “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for all good. He brought me to this position for the saving of many lives.” Genesis 50:20

The enemy will whisper that God doesn’t love you—that He abandoned you.

That is a lie.

If there’s one thing I could convince you of, it would be how deeply you are loved and cherished by your Heavenly Father.

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A Message for You

God is reaching out to you even in your grief.

“I’m standing at your door. My heart is calling yours. Come fall into my arms. You’re weary from it all. You’ve been running for too long. I’m here to bring you home. I dare you to believe how much I love you now.”

(From Dancing on the Waves by We The Kingdom)

Friend, after your child’s death, you have two choices:

➡️ Run from God.
➡️ Run to God.

His love is waiting. Will you surrender to it?

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Need More Support?

If this resonates with you, I invite you to join my 12-week small group coaching course.

✅ 12 weeks of guided content
✅ 9 hours of video lessons
✅ 100+ pages of workbook materials
✅ Weekly mentoring in a small group community

How will you know it this will help you? This is how:  God’s Word does not return void.

This content is full of God’s words, my words may help you, but his words lead to the spring of living water. 

Want in? Join the waitlist today! 

If you need help right now, book a 1:1 session where we will take a deep dive into your story and create small managable steps to that leads to success. 

Your healing starts here.

Until next time, take care. 💙