I Don’t Know Who God Is Anymore: Faith After Child Loss
I DON’T KNOW WHO GOD IS ANYMORE
When the God you thought you knew doesn’t fit what happened to your child
Faith after child loss can look nothing like the faith you had before.
Child loss turns your world and your foundation upside down. It reaches into things about God that used to feel settled — things you may have said you were sure about.
It rattles them or it may have even shaken them loose.
Things like His goodness. His protection. Whether prayer does anything. And what does it even mean to trust Him?
Those things can come apart when your child leaves this earth.
I want to be careful here, because this is where a lot of grieving moms get the nod. The nonverbal nod, or the wink, that quietly says — let’s don’t go there.
Somebody hears her say I don’t know who God is anymore and rushes in to correct her. Tells her that’s a dangerous place. Or worse — tells her she must not have understood who God was in the first place.
That is not happening here today.
When Everything I Believed Stopped Making Sense
What’s happening here is that I understand you. If this is you, I want you to know I get it — because I was you.
A mom whose world has been shattered. And all of a sudden, this God standing in front of her isn’t the God she thought she knew.
That was me.
You can believe in Him and not know what to believe about Him. Both of those things can be true at the same time.
That’s just an honest heart. And being honest in the middle of something as enormous as your child leaving this earth is a big deal. I invite you to be honest.
I Didn’t Know This God
When Andrew went to heaven, to say I had a spiritual crisis is probably an understatement.
I had a total rearrangement inside of my head and my heart and my soul. Because I didn’t know this God.
The God who let my son die.
And it was a journey. I’m still on that journey. I’m still learning, and I continue to learn. I consider myself a lifelong learner.
I became hungry for the Word of God when I was just a little girl, watching my dad sit in his La-Z-Boy at night and read the scriptures with tears streaming down his face.
Although, I didn’t quite get it then, I still felt his compassion. All I could see was that it meant that much to him.
And I remember thinking as a little girl: I want to know that God.
And I thought I did. I thought I knew that God — until Andrew died.
The wound was so deep and the pain so piercing. I had so much to walk through.
And the beauty of what I’ve come to know from the heart of God is that He gave me the space to do it.
In that space — discovering who God really was, not the God I thought I knew — He taught me things through His word.
And His word now looks completely different through the eyes of grief. When I started reading the word of God after Andrew went to heaven, it looked like something I’d never seen before.
The God I knew was good and wanted good things for His children. He would never let something like this happen.
I know many of you feel that same way, because you’ve told me.
So please hear me. There is no condemnation coming from me about the way you feel.
Because I was you.
An Altar Built for a God Nobody Could Name
I want to show you what I found.
Paul was in Greece, there on a journey. From my understanding of the word of God, this wasn’t a place he intended to stay for an extended period of time like he did on many of his missionary journeys. He was on a quest to meet somebody there.
But when he arrived, his heart was heavy — because of all the idols he was seeing. The people of Athens were worshiping idols, and they had shrines set up everywhere.
And walking through that city, he found an altar with an inscription carved into it.
“Men of Athens, I notice that you are very religious in every way. For as I was walking along, I saw your many shrines, and one of your altars had this inscription on it: ‘To an unknown god.’ This God whom you worship without knowing is the one I want to tell you about today.”
Acts 17:22–23 (NLT)
They had built a monument to a God they couldn’t name. Just in case.
They were religious, and they were searching — but they had never met Him.
You Knew Him. And Then Your Child Died.
Here’s what struck me when I read this through these new eyes of grief.
The Athenians had never known this God.
Maybe you have known Him for years. Maybe you grew up in church. Or maybe you prayed over your child’s bed every night.
You knew Him.
And then your child died — and the God you knew doesn’t fit what happened in your life.
His goodness doesn’t fit anymore. His protection doesn’t fit. All those prayers don’t fit.
And trusting Him? You don’t even know what that word means anymore.
So you’re standing in front of Him like He’s a stranger.
Not because you never knew Him. But because what happened doesn’t line up with the God you knew.
Let’s Get to Know Him All Over Again
I’m not going to be able to answer all your questions here. But I’m also not going to explain it away.
When you tell me I don’t know who God is anymore, I’m not going to tell you that you had it all wrong.
But here is what I am going to ask of you.
Let’s get to know Him all over again.
Not who grief tells you He is.
Not who your circumstances make Him appear to be.
And not simply who you expected Him to be.
But — who does God reveal Himself to be?
That’s what Paul was doing on that hill. He didn’t argue with them or shame them for the altar.
He simply said: you already know there’s a God you can’t name. Let me introduce you to Him.
Through the eyes of grief, I needed to be reintroduced to this unknown God.
And that’s all I’m asking of you. To be open to it.
Not to have it all settled, with every question answered and wrapped up in a pretty little bow.
All I’m asking you to do is become curious about Him again.
Three Responses on the Same Hill
Here’s how that day in Athens ended.
Paul finished speaking, and the people listening did three different things.
The scripture says some of them laughed at him straight out. They heard him talk about the resurrection, and they laughed in contempt.
Some of them said, we want to hear more about this.
And some of them believed, that very moment.
You don’t have to walk away from this with your faith restored and all your questions answered and everything settled.
Nobody is asking that of you.
But here is what I am asking. Which group are you in?
Answer that question in your heart today.
Are you laughing in contempt?
Are you saying, I want to know more?
Or are you saying, Yes, Lord, I do believe?
Being honest with yourself — that’s real. And that’s the place where true grief work begins.
God is not disappointed in you for where you stand right now.
How do I know? Because I’ve been you.
When I finally said, God, I want to know more — He met me there. Not all at once. Not always the way I expected Him to.
But He met me there. And He will do the same for you.
So if the only thing you can say today is Lord, I really don’t know who You are anymore, but I want to know more —
That’s a prayer. It’s an honest prayer. And He hears it.
🎧 Listen to the Full Episode
If these words have met you where you are today — there is more waiting for you in this week’s episode.
🎙 Episode 311: I Don’t Know Who God Is Anymore: Faith After Child Loss
In this episode, I share what happened to me when everything I thought I knew about God stopped making sense, and I take you to that hill in Athens where Paul stood in front of an altar built for a God nobody could name. This one is for the mother standing in front of a God she no longer recognizes.
Next Steps/Mentoring
✨ Calming the Chaos
Becoming curious about God can be challenging, and it can be very difficult to do by yourself.
Calming the Chaos will take you to those places that help you discover what you’re feeling, and help you work through the beliefs underneath those feelings. It will help you see your grief and your God through a different set of eyes. At your own pace, in your own time.
👉 Step inside Calming the Chaos
With care and prayer,
Teresa Davis
